Moony Madness
by dull.moonlight
Summary: James suspects Remus to be a werewolf, Sirius doesn't. A.k.a. Sirius vs. James and the robotic counterparts. [Sirius's POV]


**A/N: Okay, okay... I should really split this into two sections because it's so long, but really, I don't want to do that. So deal with it. It's a one-shot thingy... So I won't continue it... Yeah. Anyhow...**

I walk to the spot James is sitting in, in the Common Room quietly. Now I usually am not a quiet person, but everyone who's anyone knows not to bother Mr. Remus Lupin while he's doing homework. And these days he's been even more fiery than usual. James and I can't figure it out, but that's about to change. Peter Pettegrew (the poor, suffering child) is muttering to himself, poking a – hey! Is that my radioactive cheese? Oh well, I'll get it back later... I have no time to mess with little rats such as Wormtail when my best friend James Potter is beckoning me over. If I didn't go over there, I know that he'd get mad at me, yelling 'SIRIUS' as loud as he could to get my attention. Of course, it would disturb Remus too. That would earn me a glare and a speech as to how short an attention span I have. I do NOT have a short attention span! Oh! Is that Hestia in that skirt? God she's hott ... ... ... _What?_

So I finally reach James after many days and numerous nights...actually, it was only a minute or two. But who's keeping score here? He's looking over something hard as if he's studying something. GASP! James? Study? _NEVER! _But, I'm – as always – wrong, for I find him piled over a moon chart. Now, I know that he's extremely interested in werewolves, but I also know that he had been complaining nonstop just a few minutes ago at how he didn't want to study about them in Defense Against the Dark Arts. He says that it would be very interesting to meet a werewolf, but not _study _about them. Remus glared at him. (Not me! Huzzah!) What's been eating him lately? Anyway, I sit at the table James is sitting at – and he looks up from the moon chart momentarily. "I think I got something," he says, whispering. Why whisper? Everyone whispers – BE ORIGINAL! We need to make sure everyone in this room knows how to shout! But that will come at a later time.

"The snitch?" I ask casually. James is always 'nicking' (who likes that word?) the golden snitch. He's getting quite good at it considering this is his first year of Quidditch and only our second year at Hogwarts. I taught him everything I know. He's precious. But he's giving me one of those looks that say, 'You are such a dundernoodle sometimes!' Dundernoodle, isn't it a beautiful word? Not when James is giving you a look that says you ARE one. I feel insulted. They don't pay me enough for this job. I don't even have a trailer to storm off to! But I think I'll get over it. "Yeah... So, whatcha got?" I ask. James sighs as if I'm hopeless. Gosh my friends are hard to please.

"I think I have a theory as to why Remus has been so snappy." Hence the whispering. I tilt my head. Yes, yes, go on. You know I was right when I said that mutant pillows must have taken his body over. "I think he's a werewolf." Fine, squash my dreams! I don't care! I'M GOING TO MY NONEXISTANT TRAILER! Or I'll just stay here and wear my stupid baffled look that everyone always says makes me look 'adorable' or 'cute'. I hate the word cute. Hestia is REALLY looking cute, speaking of that evil word. But I have more pressing matters at hand. Such as the pink, tap dancing bunnies that are insisting that I invest in mutual funding...and the fact that my best friend has just accused my other best friend of BEING A WEREWOLF! Remus would have told us! ... ... ... On the other hand – NO! He would have told us, I know!

"You're crazy," I said, phrasing the phrase that is always directed to me ... phrasingly. Hm, you think they might have something there? That I might _actually _be crazy? Nah... WAIT! I got it! The tap dancing bunnies have captured James, Remus, and Peter; made evil, robotic counterparts of them; and painted them purple! And they sent the robots after me to tear our friendship apart! It's all coming together now (signal evil laugh). Um, I'll just ... yeah... Anywho, if I may continue with this NON-SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN story. "Remus would have _told _us if he was a werewolf." James sighed. He was obviously expecting this to be hard to explain. You'd think that the way he sighed like that would suggest that I was thick. I'm not, am I? ROBOTIC COUNTERPARTS! But seriously – no... I'm not going to say it! NEVER! Fine... _I'm Sirius, duh!_ I wish we'd never thought of that joke. It gets tiring... Like that 'Pitch Black' joke. EVIL NAME! I'll have to kill my mother for giving me such a name.

"Oh come on, Sirius!" James half yelled this, earning him a few 'looks' from others. I waved at Hestia who had turned to see who yelled. She smiled at me. SMILED! Unless the monkeys were making me see things, I'm the happiest person alive. Weeeeeeeeeeee! "Come on, Sirius," James repeated, whispering. "Would _you _tell us if you were a werewolf?" Oh! Twenty questions! I LOVE that game! Do you enjoy eating green chicken? What's the meaning of top hats? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Toosie Pop (3,752)? The world may never know... But a few select people might. The people that have no lives, no friends, no hobbies. That sounds like Snape. I should invite him into my chocolate factory to see if he knows the answer to these riddling questions. I DON'T HAVE A SHORT ATTENTION SPAN!

"No." That's an evil word. Who ever made up that word anyway? I mean, it can come in useful every now and then. Like that one psycho stalker I just got, Annmaria Quirks. She's halfway through her first year. She's annoying as anything and I think she's working for the bloodthirsty squirrels, but I'm not sure. It's great to tell her no. You can never tell about first years. Like egg salad – you never know what you're going to find in it. I found a shoe once. James had put it in there, but STILL! IT WAS A SHOE! I think my friends are trying to poison me. ROBOTIC COUNTERPARTS! Hey, have you ever seen Titanic? It's a real cheesy movie. I mean romantic crap and stuff. Don't ask how I saw it. It is a tale of fifty billion pages. I don't have that much paper. But oh well. The point is, Jack is an awesome guy. He's like all, 'Live your life' and junk like that. I DON'T RAMBLE! Yeesh! Where do you people get these things?

"Well, there you have it." AHHH! James spoke! I have to cower like who knows what and die. Well, that was interesting. Yeah. Anyway, you're probably thinking I'm a dundernoodle for saying such things. So I'll just let you listen to James's stupid speech. WARNING: Boringness ahead! "So why would Remus?" Because he's an honest person. "I mean, think about it, Padfoot!" I am, I am! "Haven't you noticed that he always has to go home right before the full moon because his mum is sick?" Coincidence. "I mean, if MY mum was that sick, I'd want to make sure she'd be alright." If MY mom were sick, I'd pray for her death. "I wouldn't go to school!" You aren't a school nut like Remus. "Can't you see, Sirius?" Yes, I can see Hestia looking at me out of the corner of my eye. "Are you even listening?"

"Of course I am!" What, does he think I'm deaf as well blind? "I just think it's near impossible for Remus to be..." I lower my voice. "...a werewolf." Don't ask me why I lowered my voice. I was already whispering, but I suppose I wanted to add drama or something. It's like all we need is that creepy background music. Remus put a charm on me once so that that kind of music followed me around all day. I felt like I was in a movie. It changed – depending on my mood or amount of action. It was actually kind of cool. I mean, that kid over-studies. That's like O.W.L. level! I should get him to teach me that spell... But not if he bites my head off when we tell him we think he's a werewolf. I think James is going insane. Or maybe the tap dancing bunnies captured James, Peter, and me and made robotic counterparts of us trying to tear our friendship apart with Remus. I would know if I was a robotic counterpart of myself though... There goes my hypothesis.

"But it's obvious!" Do I hear a whine? Yes? Is he _begging _me? I think so. Well, I'm not giving in! Never! I mean, here's my argument. One, Remus would have told us. Two, he's smart enough to know that we'd figure it out at some point. Three, if he DIDN'T tell us, he'd have become emotionally screwed up and tell us anyway – and a year and a half is long enough to become emotionally un-intact. Four, he's too nice to be a werewolf – I mean, they're supposed to have bad tempers, right? Oh... Scratch that. Still! Three reasons are good enough, right? Right? Right? Fine... Take James's side. See if I care. Humph...

"It's not obvious!" And now to state what I've been thinking. "One, Remus would have told us." Stare meaning 'We just agreed on the fact that he _wouldn't _tell us.' This will be difficult. "Two, he's smart enough to know we'd figure it out at some point." Stare. He should go into a contest. This one means 'No one would suspect _you're _smart enough to figure something like that out.' I resent that unsaid remark! "Three, if he was one and he didn't tell us, he'd be emotionally un-intact! And a year is enough to become emotionally un-intact. He'd be a wreck." Mark my words, Potter! Stare. God, does this kid's eyes EVER get tired? I'm sayin'... This meaning, 'How do _you_ know he isn't emotionally un-intact?' Yeesh... _Quidditch players! _"And nothing you say or do will convince me that Remus is a werewolf." NO! NEVER!

"But, Sirius, look at this moon chart." Fine, tear my gaze from Hestia, see if I care. Fine, I'll look at the stupid chart. Hey! This has a lot of information on it! La ta da la ta... Hey! Remus's mom was sick this day... Oh crap. No, I won't! I MUST think of an excuse for the robotic counterpart Remus! If I don't, he'll sic the garlic-infested brains on me. I HATE GARLIC! But, no luck... I'll just sit here and sputter dumbly until I die. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Dum de dum... This is too boring. "Look," Yay! More nonsense from James! "If you want proof, we'll go over to Remus and just ask him about it." I don't like your tone, boy. It seems like you're tricking me. But what the hay, I'll go!

"Fine, but if you're wrong and Remus gets mad at you, you are to admit that it was all your doing and that I was protesting against it. If you're right... Forget everything I just said." YAY! I get to walk past Hestia... Drool... Slobber... Right, I'll stop it then. James and I stand up, walking over to Remus. Dum de dum. I REALLY need movie music here! It would be perfect! The moment of truth, the building music, the James, the cold air surrounding us as one of us get the courage to accuse our bestest best friend of being an evil monster. Speaking of monster, can you believe that people ACTUALLY think I'm overimaginative? I mean, _me_? _Overimaginative? _I think everyone's on crack.

"Erm... Remus?" James says hesitantly. And he SHOULD be hesitant! He's accusing our friend of being a werewolf. Yeah, I'll sit back and laugh. Remus looks up hurriedly and glares at James. (Insert snicker.) This is great. James is NEVER ignored. Not by me, not by Remus, not by Peter for sure. But he just got it. And he got it good. This might be fun after all. Maybe not because Remus glares at me too as I stifle a snicker. Yeah...

"What do you want?" Snappy, snappy, no, no Remus! Bad wolfie! Hehehe – okay, I'll just get on with this. Before an evil, angry mob comes after me. That wouldn't be fun, trust me... I know... "I have loads to do! It doesn't help that thanks to _someone_ I've been landed in detention." Why are you staring at me so pointedly? You're not suggesting that _I_ did it, are you? Because I certainly did no—okay, okay, so I did do it, but that's no reason to get into a huff! Besides, you'll want to save all that huffing and puffing for the three little pigs, right? Heh... I crack myself up. "And I have an essay in Defense Against the Dark bloody Arts." Well, well, well! We have a potty mouth do we? Naughty, naughty!

"Well, Remus..." Choose you're words carefully! Beat around the bush! "...we think you're a werewolf." You IDIOT! You just blabbed it! At least you were whispering so no one could hear. But STILL! Straightforward dundernoodle, just like a Potter! My parents warned me about you. That's why you're my friend... BUT STILL! Ahhhhh! Remus is glaring at him; face is loosing color, taking in breath to yell. HIDE ME! And is it possible to choose my hiding quarters under Hestia's skirt? I mean... HELP! Wait, wait... do you hear that? It's...silence. And then... a chair being pushed back... someone getting up... a sob... someone rushing up to the Boys' Dorm. Oh no, worst case scenario – James was right. And that'd mean I was wrong... and we hurt our best friend's feelings – or he's just scared out of his wits that we wouldn't be his friends anymore... Oh no... Not good. Not good. Not good at all. Good going Captain Straightforward. I could really hurt you just about now. But I think I'll exchange worried glances with you and run after you to go to comfort Remus instead. Hmm, I still think you're a robotic counterpart...

"Remus?" Hey... I didn't know my voice contained a soft, sympathetic tone. I've been laughing at too many romance movies and soap operas. Speaking of which, this scene looks like it's been plucked from a soap opera. There's Remus, face buried into his pillow, shaking in silent sobs; James looking dumbfounded; and me, standing there trying to fix it all. Stupid hormones. Oh, that's a rule of mine. When something goes wrong, blame it on the hormones. Looks like I'm going to have to add drama now and walk up to Remus, sit on his bed, and put a hand on his shoulder saying, "Remus?" yet again. And that's exactly what I did. Funny how that works, huh?

Remus (YAY, he's alive!) looks up at me. Hey, for a major crying scene, his face doesn't look that bad. In fact, it doesn't have a tearstain on it! But he was crying, so it's still not good. Remus is a strong man...boy...and for someone to make him cry (coughCaptainStraightforwardcough) is pretty bad. And I'm really uncomfortable. Have you ever smiled and tickled a little baby and have them just stare at you? Well, it's the same way with comforting Remus. Stare...sniff...stare, stare, stare. It's kind of weird. And silent. I hate silent. "You okay?" Oh no...he's glaring! HE'S GLARING! This is so not good... I need cheese. It calms my nerves, maybe it'd help Remus. But for some reason, I don't think he'd take any cheese offered by me. He'd probably throw it back at me, in fact.

"Oh, yeah, Sirius!" Shouting! You're going to deafen me. "I feel just _great_!_ Splendid_, even!" Oh, really? That's great! Oh...was that sarcasm? "I mean, why shouldn't I? My friends just found out my _deepest _secret –" Dang! James was right! "–and now, you'll all abandon me because...because..." Oh no... voice getting softer, tears welling up, NOT GOOD! "...because I'm a bloody MONSTER!" And back to your head in the pillow. Ha! I was right! You _are _scared out of your wits that we're going to abandon you! Sirius: One, James: One. It's all tied up, folks.

"Abandon?" Captain Straightforward has decided to talk – at last! "We wouldn't abandon you!" True, true. Dang! Sirius: One, James: Two. I hate him...in a lovely sort of way. "In fact...we'd try to help you." Remus raises his head enough off the pillow for both of us to see the look of surprise, confusion, and another look that said, 'You two are dundernoodles! There's no help for werewolves!' But I am very stubborn, as is James, and we won't take no for an answer, unless, of course, it's a yes or no question and we WANT someone to say no, then we won't take yes for an answer. And Remus is sitting up. It's looking better. And better-er and better-er-er and better-er-er-er! And he's...smiling! We have a breakthrough! Let's celebrate! I'll go get an empty bottle, some cheese, and Hestia. Maybe Lily and Peter. I don't know... Maybe Emmeline and Alice... Really whatever I feel like...

"So... You guys would really help me?" No, we were just saying that. We're actually going to sic the evil, red, heart-shaped balloons after you. OF COURSE WE WOULD! Golly, I don't understand my friends sometimes. "Wow! Thanks!" No hugging! No! Bad! Bad wolfie! Too late... I've been hugged. Now if he'll get off me and – YAY, he's bombarding James now! I'm happy. "Hey, let's get out of here. I don't think I could do another inch of my essay right now. I'm feeling too...troublesome. Let's go break into Hogsmeade or something. I know a passageway. I stumbled upon it accidentally last night." James and I grin – duh! Why wouldn't we? And all three of us stand up and make our way to Hogsmeade.


End file.
